Thursday, 2 April 2009
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Techniques to improve communication
Communication must serve its purpose. It is, therefore, necessary for any
organization to develop an appropriately suitable and efficient network of
communication. For this purpose, the following basic principles of communication
must be considered.
1. Principle of clarity: Whenever an idea is to be communicated, one
should give attention towards its clarity and precision. The idea should not be
either confusing or vague. It should be easily understandable by people at all
levels of organization. No communication is said to be complete and effective
unless it is understood by the receiver in the same sense with which the sender
conveys it.
2. Principle of consistency: Whenever a person wishes to communicate
certain message he must be consistent in his expression. It should be consistent
with overall objectives, policies, statement and his action; otherwise the receiver
may not be faithful in his acceptance of the message and its execution. The
communicator must always try to make his subordinates into confidence and
encourage them to follow his plans of action.
3. Principle of completeness and adequacy: Whatever to be
communicated should be adequate and complete in all respects. Insufficient or
inadequate statements of communication may create misunderstandings in the
mid of the receiver resulting in delays. Consequently, original plans may not be
successfully executed in action. The adequacy of the information also depends
upon the power of understanding of the receiver of the message.
4. Principle of information: In the beginning the sender of the message
must have perfect clarity in his own mind about what is to be communicated.
Where there is proper understanding there is effective communication.
Communication is a systematic and continuous process of telling, listening and
understanding. The communicator as well as receiver should sincerely
participate in the process of communication. There should be a perfect
understanding between both the parties, i.e. receiver as well as sender of the
communication.
5. Principle of channel or media adaptation: There should be
appropriate channel of communication. The choice of any communication
channel depends upon the content or matter of the message to be conveyed.
For example, whenever the messages are lengthy, writing channel is suitable
as it suits the simple purpose; In general, simple messages are conveyed
through oral communication.
6. Principle of appropriate time element: The sender of the message
must take into consideration the element of time factor while conveying the
message. Unsuitable time of communication may result in failure of achieving the
expected results. The system of communication should be continuous. Honest
efforts on the part of receiver and sender are essential to make the
communication successful.
7. Principle of Integration: In any organization, it is necessary to prepare
an integrated system of communication so that the enterprise can achieve its
goals. Members of management groups must give due importance to keep intact
the communication frame and arteries. As it is a means to an end, it should be
free from any personal prejudices. It should not be offensive in its
content but should convey the sense of adopting definitely cooperative principle
of give and take.
8. Principle of flexibility: Any organization no matter how big or small it is
should have a perfect system of communication. It should be flexible so as to suit
the changing requirements of the organization. It should also be able to quickly
and aptly adjust to the new working techniques as well as new
communication systems or methods without much resistance or difficulties.
9. Principle of informality: Management of any organization should see
that the communication at all levels is maintained by supporting formal
communication with informal contacts. The communication becomes most
effective when managers utilize the informal organization to supplement the
communication channels to the formal organization.
10. Principle of feedback: Communication is not a substitute for good
management but it requires good management to operate it effectively and
efficiently. Communication is a two way process which provides enough
opportunity for constructive criticism from the receiver of the message leading
to the emergency of creative ideas. The communicator must create such
atmosphere in the organization that while conveying certain messages or orders
they must depict a correct picture of message and get proper response from the
receiver. The organization must create such feelings in the minds of its
subordinates that they feel free to contribute to the work of the organization.
When the communicators respond with proper feedback system, it may lead to
the speedy progress of the organization. Hence, it is very important that the
management should adopt and encourage such system of communication that
there prevails free and frank atmosphere in the company leading to constant
flow of information in all directions.
Components of communication system
Communication in fact is necessary in the world as the life itself not only for
human beings but also for animals and plants. Communication is the name
we give to the countless ways of keeping is relationship with whatever we are
concerned in our day to day life. It means, communication is natural to all living
creatures. It can be established even between human and nonhuman beings in
case they live together. Pet animals for example, also communicate with their
human companions. Methods of communication may however, differ from
individual to individual, groups to groups or community to community. A civilized
group cans posse’s better communication ability. It is central to everything that
we perform in our day to day life. In order to achieve goals effectively, it is
necessary to adopt the process of effective communication. An organization can
he held together only if there is proper communication among its members. Each
person has different goals and they may be achieved through cooperative,
coordinate efforts which needs proper communication. Hence, without
communication no organization can properly function. It is a tool which can
exercise influence on others. Communication motivates them to establish and
keep the relations with them. It means that there can be no society without
communication.
For transferring the thoughts and ideas certain means and methods are required
to be adapted. For this, we use the following means which stands for the ideas:
1. Symbols 2. Signs 3. Pictures 4. Sounds 5. Words
As we know, communication is the process by which information is passed
on from one individual to another individual from one organization to another
organization and so forth. An individual, who wished to pass on certain
information, puts his thoughts either into words or other symbols which can be
understood by the persons to whom he wants to communicate. The process of
communication begins with an emergence of thought or idea in one’s mind. Mere
emergence of thought or idea does not start the process of communication. The
individual concerned must intend to communicate it to somebody. This intention
to convey idea or
thoughts begins the process of communication. In a broad sense, the
communication process takes place in the following general form
The Sender: A person who intends to convey or communicate his thoughts
or ideas is called as a sender. He has to translate this message in such a
language which is known or understood by the Receiver. The effect of his
message not only depends on the language he uses but also upon his status and
reputation. Status relates to authority, knowledge and prestige while reputation
relates to the kind of person he is known to be i.e. whether he is cooperative or
noncooperative (hostile). For example, a message from a popular boss who is
liked will be appreciated or believed by the subordinates much more than the one
receives from a boss who is not in subordinates very good esteem.
Encoding: The method which initiates the message is called encoding a
thought. The sender puts his thoughts in certain form of logical and coded
message. It may be either oral or written communication. It can be stated in a
specific form may be in letter, telegram, verbal talk, (gestures) or some other
form of expression. As the sender intends to know the effect of his message, he
considers various factors such as the receiver’s knowledge about the subject
matter, his working conditions, his job responsibilities and other background
information. There are four aspects which are important for encoding the
message.
1. The sender’s skill of encoding the message;
2. His knowledge as well as the sociocultural system of which he is a part;
3. Success in sending the message depends upon the sender’s skill about
writing speaking, reading, listening and reasoning.
4. The attitude of the sender substantially influences the receiver.
Dispatch and Reception: A message is the actual physical product at the
encoding source. When one speaks, writes or paints a picture is considered as a
message. Gestures, movements of arms facial expressions etc. are also taken
as messages. It is affected by the code or a group of symbols used to transfer
meaning. The meaning of what is to be communicated itself and the decision that
the sender makes in choosing, arranging and selecting both contents and codes,
constitutes a message.
For transmitting the message, some kind of medium or chemical is essential.
It can be sent directly or through a proper channel. This process involves certain
media. It may be a face to face message, a conversation or a written or typed
matter or simply some sort of gestures. The channel bridges the gap between the
sources and the receiver. In case of face to face communication, a talk over the
telephone or a broadcast radio or telecast on Television, reception almost
synchronizes with the dispatch of the message. In other forms of communication,
it depends upon the efficiency of the medium used. There may be some time
interval between dispatch and actual reception of the message. A letter may take
few days to reach the destination while a telegram may reach within a few hours,
and an Email in a few seconds.
Kunal
The Receiver: Just as the sender has his own frame of references, so does
the receiver. What the receiver has to select to listen and give attention to,
depends upon his own opinions, attitude and relationship with the sender. It also
depends on the type of message sent, the channel employed, the manner of his
reception and the situation under which it is received. The frame of the mind of
the Receiver also carries equal importance in the process of interpretation or
decoding of the message as that of the sender in encoding.
Decoding of message: The work of interpretation is concerned with
receiver of the message. He accepts the message and tries to find out its exact
meaning by analyzing the sender, his intent his role, knowledge, experience and
authority. Receiver of the message tries to translate the symbols, ideas into a
form that can be understood by him. The process of translation and interpretation
of the signals is called decoding. The process of decoding requires that the
receiver must possess skill in reading or listening and must also be able to apply
reason. Receiver’s attitude and cultural background can distort the message. In
case, the encoding is efficient and the receiver is conversant with those codes
and symbols, his perception can be good. There can be a fairly accurate
reproduction of the message. When the message is properly decoded by the
receiver, he may immediately respond to it. This response exists in his mind in
the form of ideas or emotions.
Feedback : Feed back is the turn of message or responses from the
receiver to sender of the message. It determines whether understanding is
achieved or not. When the message reaches the state of decoding, the process
of understanding starts. The sender expects that the receiver shows some
response or reaction so that he can take some action or reply or behave in a
particular way as a result of the responses he receives. The sender of the
message needs to know whether the receiver responds in the desired way or not.
He can find this out only through the feedback he gets from the receiver. Thus,
feedback is the knowledge of the result of communication, which can be useful
for undertaking or modifying future communication.
(Diagram)
In the process of face to face communication, there is an immediate and
continuous feedback. The facial expressions of the listener can tell the speaker,
whether the message is understood, accepted, rejected, liked or not liked by the
receiver. The speaker can further modify his message according to the situation
needs and understanding of the listener, so as to make it more acceptable to the
listener. It is possible for the speaker to ask certain questions to find out whether
the message is fully understood or not by the listener. In certain cases, listener
Kunal
can also ask questions for better understanding and clarification of the message
he receives.
Folded arm gestures
Hiding behind a barrier is a normal human response that we learn at an early age to
protect ourselves. As children, we hid behind solid objects such as tables, chairs,
furniture and mother’s skirts whenever we found ourselves in a threatening situation.
As we grew older, this hiding behaviour became more sophisticated and by the age of
about six, when it was unacceptable behaviour to hide behind solid objects, we learned
to fold our arms tightly across our chests whenever a threatening situation arose.
During our teens, we learned to make this crossed-arms gesture a little less obvious by
relaxing our arms a little and combining the gesture with crossed legs.
As we grow older, we develop the arm crossing gesture to the point where it has
become less obvious to others. By folding one or both arms across the chest, a barrier is
formed that is, in essence, at attempt to block out the impending threat or undesirable
circumstances. One thing is certain; when a person has a nervous, negative or defensive
attitude, he will fold his arms firmly on his chest, a strong signal that he feels
threatened.
Research conducted into the folded arm position in the United States has shown
some interesting results. A group of students was asked to attend a series of lectures and
each student was instructed to keep his legs uncrossed, arms unfolded and to take a
casual, relaxed sitting position. At the end of the lectures each student was tested on his
retention and knowledge of the subject matter and his attitude toward the lecturer was
recorded. A second group of students was put through the same process, but these
students were instructed to keep their arms tightly folded across their chests throughout
the lectures. The results showed that the group with the folded arms had learned and
retained 38 per cent less than the group who kept its arms unfolded. The second group
also had a more critical opinion of the lectures and of the lecturer.
These tests reveal that, when the listener folds his arms, not only has he more
negative thoughts about the speaker, but he is also paying less attention to what is being
said. It is for this reason that training centres should have chairs with arms to allow the
attendees to leave their arms uncrossed.
Many people claim that they habitually take the arms folded position because it is
comfortable. Any gesture will feel comfortable when you have the corresponding
attitude; that is, if you have a negative, defensive or nervous attitude, the folded arms
position will feel good.
Remember that in non-verbal communication, the meaning of the message is also in
the receiver, not only the sender. You may feel ‘comfortable’ with your arms crossed or
your back and neck stiffened, but studies have shown that the reception of these
gestures is negative.
Standard Arm-Cross Gesture
Both arms are folded together across the chest as an attempt to ‘hide’ from an
unfavourable situation. There are many arm-folding positions, but this book will
discuss the three most common ones. The standard arm-cross gesture is a
universal gesture signifying the same defensive or negative attitude almost everywhere.
It is commonly seen when a person is among strangers in public meetings, queues,
cafeterias, elevators or anywhere that people feel uncertain or insecure.
During a recent lecture tour in the United States, I opened one particular meeting by
deliberately defaming the character of several highly respected men who were
well-known to the seminar audience and who were attending the conference.
Immediately following the verbal attack, the members of the audience were asked to
hold the positions and gestures they had taken. They were all quite amused when I
pointed out that about 90 per cent of them had taken the folded arms position
immediately after my verbal attack began. This clearly shows that most people will take
an arms folded position when they disagree with what they are hearing. Many public
speakers have failed to communicate their message to the audience because they have
not seen the folded arms gestures of their listeners. Experienced speakers know that this
gesture demonstrates the necessity of using a good ‘ice breaker’ to move the audience
into a more receptive posture that will alter the listeners’ attitude towards the speaker.
When you see the arm-cross gesture occur during a face-to-face encounter, it is
reasonable to assume that you may have said something with which the other person
disagrees, so it may be pointless continuing your line of argument even though the other
person may be verbally agreeing with you. The fact is that the non-verbal medium does
not lie -the verbal medium does. Your objective at this point should be to try to discover
the cause of the arms-folded gesture and to move the person into a more receptive
position. Remember: as long as the arms-folded gesture remains, the negative attitude
will remain. The attitude causes the gestures to occur and prolonging the gesture forces
the attitude to remain.
This moves him into a more open posture and attitude. Asking the person to lean
forward to look at a visual presentation can also be an effective means of opening the
folded-arms position. Another useful method is to lean forward with your palms facing
up and say, ‘I can see you have a question, what would you like to know?’ or, ‘What do
you think?’ and then sit back to indicate that it is the other person’s turn to speak. By
leaving your palms visible you non-verbally tell the other person that you would like an
open, honest answer. As a salesman, I would never proceed with the presentation of my
product until I had uncovered the prospective buyer’s reason for suddenly folding his
arms. More often than not, I discovered that the buyer had a hidden objection that most
other sales people might never have discovered because they missed seeing the buyer’s
non-verbal signal that he was negative about some aspect of the sales presentation.
Reinforced Arm-Cross
If as well as the full arm-cross gesture the person has clenched fists, it indicates a
hostile and defensive attitude. This cluster is often combined with clenched teeth and
red face, in which case a verbal or physical attack may be imminent. A submissive
palms-up approach is needed to discover what caused the hostile gestures if the reason
is not already apparent. The person using this gesture cluster has an attacking attitude,
Arm Gripping Gesture
You will notice that this arm-cross gesture is characterised by the hands tightly
gripping the upper arms to reinforce the position and to stop any attempt to unfold the
arms and expose the body. The arms can often be gripped so tight that the fingers and
knuckles turn white as the blood circulation is cut off. This arm-fold style is common to
people sitting in doctors’ and dentists’ waiting-rooms, or first-time air travellers who
are waiting for the plane to lift off. It shows a negative restrained attitude.
In a lawyer’s office the prosecutor may be seen using a fists-clenched arm-cross
while the defence may have taken the arm-gripping position.
Status can influence arm-folding gestures. A superior type can make his superiority
felt in the presence of persons he has just met by not folding his arms. Say, for example,
that at a company social function, the general manager is introduced to several new
employees whom he has not met. Having greeted them with a dominant handshake, he
stands at the social distance from the new employees with his hands by his side, behind
his back in the superior palm-in-palm position or with one hand in his
pocket. He rarely folds his arms to show the slightest hint of nervousness. Conversely,
after shaking hands with the boss, the new employees take full or partial arm-fold
gestures because of their apprehension about being in the presence of the company’s
top man. Both the general manager and the new employees feel comfortable with their
respective gestures as each, is signalling his status relative to the other. But what
happens when the general manager meets a young, up-and-coming executive who is
also a superior type and who may even feel that he is as important as the general
manager? The likely outcome is that after the two give each other a dominant
handshake, the young executive will take an arm-fold gesture with both thumbs
pointing vertically upwards . This gesture is the defensive version of both
arms being held horizontally in front of the body with both thumbs up to show that the
user is ‘cool’, a gesture characterised by Henry Winkler who played the Fonz in the
television series Happy Days. The thumbs-up gesture is our way of showing that we
have a self-confident attitude and the folded arms give a feeling of protection.
Sales people need to analyse why a buyer may have taken this gesture to know
whether their approach is effective. If the thumbs-up gesture has come towards the end
of the sales presentation and is combined with many other positive gestures used by the
buyer, the sales person can move comfortably into closing the sale and asking for the
order. If, on the other hand, at the close of the sale the buyer moves into the
fist-clenched arm cross position and has a poker face, the sales person can
be inviting disastrous consequences by attempting to ask for the order. Instead it is
better if he quickly goes back to his sales presentation and asks more questions to try to
discover the buyer’s objection. In selling, if the buyer verbalises, ‘No’, it can become
difficult to change his decision. The ability to read body language allows you to see the
negative decision before it is verbalised and gives you time to take an alternative course
of action.
People who carry weapons or wear armour rarely use defensive arm-fold gestures
because their weapon or armour provides sufficient body protection. Police officers
who wear guns, for example, rarely fold their arms unless they are standing guard and
they normally use the fist-clenched position to show quite clearly that nobody is
permitted to pass where they stand.
PARTIAL ARM-CROSS BARRIERS
The full arm-cross gesture is sometimes too obvious to use around others because it
tells them that we are fearful. Occasionally we substitute a subtler version - the partial
arm cross, in which one arm swings across the body to hold or touch the other arm to
form the barrier, The partial arm barrier is often seen at meetings where a person may be a stranger to
the group or is lacking in self-confidence. Another popular version of a partial arm
barrier is holding hands with oneself ,a gesture commonly used by people
who stand before a crowd to receive an award or give a speech. Desmond Morris says
that this gesture allows a person to relive the emotional security that he experienced as a
child when his parent held his hand under fearful circumstances.
DISGUISED ARM-CROSS GESTURES
Disguised arm-cross gestures are highly sophisticated gestures used by people who
are continually exposed to others. This group includes politicians, sales people,
television personalities and the like who do not want their audience to detect that they
are unsure of themselves or nervous. Like all arm-cross gestures, one arm swings across
in front of the body to grasp the other arm but instead of the arms folding, one hand
touches a handbag, bracelet, watch, shirt cuff or other object on or near the other arm. Once again the barrier is formed and the secure feeling is achieved. When
cufflinks were popular, men were often seen adjusting them as they crossed a room or
dance floor where they were in full view of others. As cufflinks lost their popularity, a
man would adjust the band on his watch, check the contents of his wallet, clasp or rub
his hands together, play with a button on his cuff or use any other gesture that would
allow the arms to cross in front of the body. To the trained observer, however, these
gestures are a dead giveaway because they achieve no real purpose except as an attempt
to disguise nervousness. A good place to observe these gestures is anywhere that people
walk past a group of onlookers, such as a young man who crosses the dance floor to ask
an attractive young lady to dance with him or someone crossing an open room to
receive a trophy.
Women are less obvious than men in their use of disguised arm barrier gestures
because they can grasp such things as handbags or purses when they become unsure of
themselves . One of the most common versions of this is holding a glass of
beer or wine with two hands. Did it ever occur to you that you need only one hand to
hold a glass of wine? The use of two hands allows the nervous person to form an almost
undetectable arm barrier. Having observed people using disguised arm barrier signals
on many occasions, we have found that these gestures are used by almost everyone.
Many well-known figures in society also use disguised barrier signals in tense
situations and are usually completely unaware that they are doing so
How To Tell Lies Successfully
The difficulty with lying is that the subconscious mind acts automatically and
independently of our verbal lie, so our body language gives us away. This is why
people who rarely tell lies are easily caught, regardless of how convincing they may
sound. The moment they begin to lie, the body sends out contradictory signals, and
these give us our feeling that they are not telling the truth. During the lie, the
subconscious mind sends out nervous energy that appears as a gesture that can
contradict what the person said. Some people whose jobs involve lying, such as
politicians, lawyers, actors and television announcers, have refined their body gestures
to the point where it is difficult to ‘see’ the lie, and people fall for it, hook, line and
sinker.
They refine their gestures in one of two ways. First, they practise what ‘feel’ like the
right gestures when they tell the lie, but this is only successful when they have practised
telling numerous lies over long periods of time. Second, they can eliminate most
gestures so that they do’ not use any positive or negative gestures while lying, but this is
also very difficult to do.
Try this simple test when an occasion presents itself. Tell a deliberate lie to an
acquaintance and make a conscious effort to suppress all body gestures while your body
is in full view of the other person. Even when your major body gestures are consciously
suppressed, numerous microgestures will still be transmitted. These include facial
muscular twitching, expansion and contraction of pupils, sweating at the brow, flushing
of the cheeks, increased rate of eye blinking and numerous other minute gestures that
signal deceit. Research using slow motion cameras shows that these microgestures can
occur within a split second and it is only people such as professional interviewers, sales
people and those whom we call perceptive who can consciously see them during a
conversation or negotiation. The best interviewers and sales people are those who have
developed the unconscious ability to read the microgestures during face-to-face
encounters.
It is obvious, then, that to be able to lie successfully, you must have your body
hidden or out of sight. This is why police interrogation involves placing the suspect on
a chair in the open or placing him under lights with his body in full view of the
interrogators; his lies are much easier to see under those circumstances. Naturally,
telling lies is easier if you are sitting behind a desk where your body is partially hidden,
or while peering over a fence or behind a closed door. The best way to lie is over the
telephone!
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independently of our verbal lie, so our body language gives us away. This is why
people who rarely tell lies are easily caught, regardless of how convincing they may
sound. The moment they begin to lie, the body sends out contradictory signals, and
these give us our feeling that they are not telling the truth. During the lie, the
subconscious mind sends out nervous energy that appears as a gesture that can
contradict what the person said. Some people whose jobs involve lying, such as
politicians, lawyers, actors and television announcers, have refined their body gestures
to the point where it is difficult to ‘see’ the lie, and people fall for it, hook, line and
sinker.
They refine their gestures in one of two ways. First, they practise what ‘feel’ like the
right gestures when they tell the lie, but this is only successful when they have practised
telling numerous lies over long periods of time. Second, they can eliminate most
gestures so that they do’ not use any positive or negative gestures while lying, but this is
also very difficult to do.
Try this simple test when an occasion presents itself. Tell a deliberate lie to an
acquaintance and make a conscious effort to suppress all body gestures while your body
is in full view of the other person. Even when your major body gestures are consciously
suppressed, numerous microgestures will still be transmitted. These include facial
muscular twitching, expansion and contraction of pupils, sweating at the brow, flushing
of the cheeks, increased rate of eye blinking and numerous other minute gestures that
signal deceit. Research using slow motion cameras shows that these microgestures can
occur within a split second and it is only people such as professional interviewers, sales
people and those whom we call perceptive who can consciously see them during a
conversation or negotiation. The best interviewers and sales people are those who have
developed the unconscious ability to read the microgestures during face-to-face
encounters.
It is obvious, then, that to be able to lie successfully, you must have your body
hidden or out of sight. This is why police interrogation involves placing the suspect on
a chair in the open or placing him under lights with his body in full view of the
interrogators; his lies are much easier to see under those circumstances. Naturally,
telling lies is easier if you are sitting behind a desk where your body is partially hidden,
or while peering over a fence or behind a closed door. The best way to lie is over the
telephone!
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Practising the Fake Smile
As we've said, most people can't consciously differentiate
between a fake smile and a real one, and most of us are
content if someone is simply smiling at us — regardless of
whether it's real or false. Because smiling is such a disarming
gesture, most people wrongly assume that it's a favourite of
liars. Research by Paul Ekman showed that when people deliberately
lie, most, especially men, smile less than they usually
do. Ekman believes this is because liars realise that most
people associate smiling with lying so they intentionally
decrease their smiles. A liar's smile comes more quickly than a
genuine smile and is held much longer, almost as if the liar is
wearing a mask.
A false smile often appears stronger on one side of the face than the other, as both sides of the brain attempt to make it
appear genuine. The half of the brain's cortex that specialises
in facial expressions is in the right hemisphere and sends
signals mainly to the left side of the body. As a result, false
facial emotions are more pronounced on the left side of the
face than the right. In a real smile, both brain hemispheres
instruct each side of the face to act with symmetry.
Smugglers Smile Less
We were commissioned by Australian Customs, in 1986, to
help create a programme to increase the number of seizures of
illegal contraband and drugs being smuggled into Australia-
Until that time, it had been assumed by law enforcement officers
that liars increased their frequency of smiling when they
were lying or under pressure. Our analysis of film of people
who were intentionally told to lie showed the opposite - when
the liars lied, they smiled less or not at all, regardless of
culture. People who were innocent and telling the truth
increased their smiling frequency when being honest. Because
smiling is rooted in submission, the innocent people were
attempting to appease their accusers while the professional
liars were reducing their smiles and other body signals. It's the
Smiling Is a Submission Signal
Smiling and laughing are universally considered to be signals
that show a person is happy. We cry at birth, begin smiling at
five weeks and laughing starts between the fourth and fifth
months. Babies quickly learn that crying gets our attention -
and that smiling keeps us there. Recent research with our
closest primate cousins, the chimpanzees, has shown that
smiling serves an even deeper, more primitive purpose.
To show they're aggressive, apes bare their lower fangs,
warning that they can bite. Humans do exactly the same thing
when they become aggressive by dropping or thrusting
forward the lower lip because its main function is as a sheath
to conceal the lower teeth. Chimpanzees have two types of
smiles: one is an appeasement face, where one chimp shows
submission to a dominant other. In this chimp smile - known
as a 'fear face' - the lower jaw opens to expose the teeth and
the corners of the mouth are pulled back and down, and this
resembles the human smile.
The other is a 'play face' where the teeth are exposed, the
corners of the mouth and the eyes are drawn upwards and
vocal sounds are made, similar to that of human laughing. In
both cases, these smiles are used as submission gestures. The
first communicates 'I am not a threat because, as you can see,
I'm fearful of you' and the other says 'I am not a threat
because, as you can see, I'm just like a playful child'. This is the
same face pulled by a chimpanzee that is anxious or fearful
that it may be attacked or injured by others. The zygomatics
pull the corners of the mouth back horizontally or downwards
and the orbicularis eye muscles don't move. And it's the same
nervous smile used by a person who steps onto a busy road and
almost gets killed by a bus. Because it's a fear reaction, they
smile and say, 'Gee...I almost got killed!'
In humans, smiling serves much the same purpose as with
other primates. It tells another person you are non-threatening
and asks them to accept you on a personal level. Lack of
smiling explains why many dominant individuals, such as
Vladimir Putin, James Cagney, Clint Eastwood, Margaret
Thatcher and Charles Bronson, always seem to look grumpy
or aggressive and are rarely seen smiling - they simply don't
want to appear in any way submissive.
And research in courtrooms shows that an apology offered
with a smile incurs a lesser penalty than an apology without
one. So Grandma was right.
The World's Eight Worst Handshakes
Here are eight of the world's most annoying and disliked
handshakes and their variations. Avoid them at all times:
1.The Wet Fish
Credibility Rating: 1/10.
Few greetings are as uninviting as the Wet Fish, particularly
when the hand is cold or clammy. The soft, placid feel of the
Wet Fish makes it universally unpopular and most people
associate it with weak character, mainly because of the ease
with which the palm can be turned over. It is read by the
receiver as a lack of commitment to the encounter, but there
may be cultural or other implications - in some Asian and
African cultures a limp handshake is the norm and a firm
handshake can be seen as offensive. Also, one in twenty people
suffer from a condition called hyperhydrosis, which is a
genetic condition that causes chronic sweating. It's wise to
carry tissues or a handkerchief for mop-up strategies before
any bout of handshaking.
The palms have more sweat glands than any other part of the
body, which is why sweaty palms become so obvious. Surprisingly,
many people who use the Wet Fish are unaware they do
it so it's wise to ask your friends to comment on your handshake
style before deciding what you'll use in future meetings.
2.The Vice
Credibility Rating: 4/10.
This quietly persuasive style is a favourite of men in business
and reveals a desire to dominate and assume early control of
the relationship or put people in their place. The palm is presented
in the down position with one sharp downward pump
followed by two or three vigorous return strokes and a grip
that can even stop blood flow to the hand. Sometimes it will be
used by a person who feels weak and fears they will be dominated
by others.
3. The Bone-Crusher
Credibility Rating: 0/10.
A second cousin to the Vice, the Bone-Crusher is the most
feared of all handshakes as it leaves an indelible memory on
the recipient's mind and fingers and impresses no one other
than the initiator. The Bone-Crusher is the trademark of the
overly aggressive personality who, without warning, seizes the
early advantage and attempts to demoralise his opponent by
grinding his knuckles to a smooth paste. If you are female,
avoid wearing rings on your right hand in business encounters
as the Bone-Crusher can draw blood and leave you to open
your business dealings in a state of shock.
Unfortunately, there are no effective ways to counter it. If you
believe someone has done it on purpose, you could bring it to
everyone's attention by saying, 'Ouch! That really hurt my
hand. Your grip is too strong.' This puts the advocate of the
Bone-Crusher on notice not to repeat the behaviour.
4. The Finger-Tip Grab
Credibility Rating: 2/10.
A common occurrence in male—female greetings, the Finger-
Tip Grab is a handshake that missed the mark and the user
mistakenly grabs the other person's fingers. Even though the
initiator may seem to have an enthusiastic attitude towards the
receiver, he in fact lacks confidence in himself. In these circumstances,
the main aim of the Finger-Tip Grab is to keep the receiver at a comfortable distance. The Finger-Tip Grab
can also result from personal space differences between the
people in the handshake. This could happen if one person's
intimate space was two feet (60cm) and the other's was three
feet (90cm), the latter stands further back during greeting so
the hands don't connect properly.
The Stiff-Arm Thrust
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If this happens to you, take the other person's right hand with
your left and place it correctly in your right hand and say, with
a smile 'Let's try that again!' and shake hands equally. This
builds your credibility because you are telling the other person
that you think they are important enough for you to get it
right.
5.The Stiff-Arm Thrust
Credibility Rating: 3/10.
Like the Palm-Down Thrust, the Stiff-Arm Thrust tends to be
used by aggressive types and its main purpose is to keep you at
a distance and away from their personal space. It's also used by
people raised in rural areas, who have larger personal space
needs and want to protect their territory.
These people will even lean forward or balance on one foot to
keep their distance when delivering a Stiff-Arm Thrust.
6. The Socket-Wrencher
Credibility Rating: 3/10.
A popular choice of power players and common cause of
watering eyes and, in extreme cases, torn ligaments. This is the
father of the Bent-Arm-Pull-In, and involves forcefully gripping
the receiver's outstretched palm, then simultaneously
applying a sharp reverse thrust, attempting to drag the receiver
into the initiator's territory. This results in loss of balance and
gets the relationship off on the wrong foot.
Pulling the receiver into the initiator's territory can mean one
of three things: first, the initiator is an insecure type who feels
safe only within his own personal space; second, the initiator
is from a culture that has smaller space needs; or third, he
wants to control you by pulling you off balance. Either way, he
wants the encounter to be on his terms.
7.The Pump Handle
Credibility Rating: 4/10.
With strong rural overtones, the pumper grabs the hand of the
pumpee and commences an energetic and rhythmic series of
rapid vertical strokes.
While up to seven pumps is acceptable, some pumpers continue
to pump uncontrollably as if they are trying to draw
water from the pumpee.
Occasionally, the pumper will cease pumping but continue to
hold the receiver's hand to prevent their escape and, interestingly,
few people try to pull their hand away. The act of being
physically connected seems to weaken our resolve to retreat.
8.The Dutch Treat
Credibility Rating: 2/10.
Being somewhat vegetarian in approach, this handshake has
its origins in the Netherlands, where a person can be accused
of 'Geeft 'n hand als bosje worteljes' meaning 'Giving a handshake
like a bunch of carrots'. It's a distant relative of the Wet
Fish but stiffer and less clammy to the touch.
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How to Create Rapport
There are two key ingredients for creating rapport in a handshake.
First, make sure that yours and the other person's palms
are in the vertical position so that no one is dominant or sub!
missive. Second, apply the same pressure you receive. This
means that if, on a firmness scale of 1-10, your handshake
registers a 7 but the other person is only a 5, you'll need to
back off 20% in strength. If their grip is a 9 and yours is a
7, you'll need to increase your grip by 20%. If you were
meeting a group of ten people, you'd probably need to make
several adjustments of angle and intensity to create a feeling
of rapport with everyone and to stay on an equal footing
with each person. Also keep in mind that the average male
hand can exert around twice the power of the average female
hand, so allowances must be made for this. Evolution has
allowed male hands to exert a grip of up to 100 pounds (45kg)
for actions such as tearing, gripping, carrying, throwing and
hammering.
Remember that the handshake evolved as a gesture to say
hello or goodbye or to seal an agreement so it always needs to
be warm, friendly and positive.
First, make sure that yours and the other person's palms
are in the vertical position so that no one is dominant or sub!
missive. Second, apply the same pressure you receive. This
means that if, on a firmness scale of 1-10, your handshake
registers a 7 but the other person is only a 5, you'll need to
back off 20% in strength. If their grip is a 9 and yours is a
7, you'll need to increase your grip by 20%. If you were
meeting a group of ten people, you'd probably need to make
several adjustments of angle and intensity to create a feeling
of rapport with everyone and to stay on an equal footing
with each person. Also keep in mind that the average male
hand can exert around twice the power of the average female
hand, so allowances must be made for this. Evolution has
allowed male hands to exert a grip of up to 100 pounds (45kg)
for actions such as tearing, gripping, carrying, throwing and
hammering.
Remember that the handshake evolved as a gesture to say
hello or goodbye or to seal an agreement so it always needs to
be warm, friendly and positive.
How to Create Equality
When two dominant people shake hands, a symbolic power
struggle takes place as each person attempts to turn the other's
palm into the submissive position. The result is a vice-like
handshake with both palms remaining in the vertical position
and this creates a feeling of equality and mutual respect
because neither is prepared to give in to the other.
struggle takes place as each person attempts to turn the other's
palm into the submissive position. The result is a vice-like
handshake with both palms remaining in the vertical position
and this creates a feeling of equality and mutual respect
because neither is prepared to give in to the other.
Intentional Use of the Palms to Deceive
Some people ask, 'If I tell a lie and keep my palms visible, will
people be more likely to believe me?' The answer is yes - and no.
If you tell an outright lie with your palms exposed, you might
still appear insincere to your listeners because many of the other
gestures that should also be visible when displaying honesty are
absent and the negative gestures used during lying will appear
and will be incongruent with the open palms. Con artists and
professional liars are people who have developed the special art
of making their non-verbal signals complement their verbal lies.
The more effectively the professional con artist can use the body
language of honesty when telling a lie, the better he is at his job.
Will you still love me when I'm old and grey?' she asked, palms
visible.'Not only will I love you,' he replied, 'I'll write to you.'
Palm Power
One of the least noticed, but most powerful, body signals is
given by the human palm when giving someone directions or
commands and in handshaking. When used in a certain way,
Palm Power invests its user with the power of silent authority.
There are three main palm command gestures: the Palm-Up
position, the Palm-Down position and the Palm-Closed- i
Finger-Pointed position. The differences of the three positions
are shown in this example: let's say that you ask someone to
pick up something and carry it to another location. We'll
assume that you use the same tone of voice, the same words
and facial expressions in each example, and that you change
only the position of your palm.
The palm facing up is used as a submissive, non-threatening
gesture, reminiscent of the pleading gesture of a street beggar
and, from an evolutionary perspective, shows the person holds
no weapons. The person being asked to move the item will not
feel they are being pressured into it and are unlikely to feel
threatened by your request. If you want someone to talk you
can use the Palm-Up as a 'handover' gesture to let them know
you expect them to talk and that you're ready to listen.
The Palm-Up gesture became modified over the centuries
and gestures like the Single-Palm-Raised-in-the-Air, the Palm-
Over-tbe-Heart and many other variations developed.
How to Become a Great Reader
Set aside at least fifteen minutes a day to study the body language
of other people, as well as acquiring a conscious
awareness of your own gestures. A good reading ground is
anywhere that people meet and interact. An airport is a particularly
good place for observing the entire spectrum of
human gestures as people openly express eagerness, anger,
sorrow, happiness, impatience and many other emotions
through body language. Social functions, business meetings
and parties are also excellent. When you become proficient at
the art of reading body language, you can go to a party, sit in
a corner all evening and have an exciting time just watching
other people's body language rituals.
Modern humans are worse at reading
body signals than their ancestors because we
are now distracted by words.
Television also offers an excellent way of learning. Turn down
the sound and try to understand what is happening by first
watching the picture. By turning the sound up every few
minutes, you will be able to check how accurate your nonverbal
readings are and, before long, it will be possible to
watch an entire programme without any sound and understand
what is happening, just as deaf people do.
Learning to read body language signals not only makes you
more acutely aware of how others try to dominate and manipulate,
it brings the realisation that others are also doing the
same to us and, most importantly, it teaches us to be more sensitive
to other people's feelings and emotions.
we have now witnessed the emergence of a new kind of social scientist - the Body Language Watcher. Just as the birdwatcher
loves watching birds and their behaviour, so the Body
Language Watcher delights in watching the non-verbal cues
and signals of human beings. He watches them at social functions,
at beaches, on television, at the office or anywhere that
people interact. He's a student of behaviour who wants to
learn about the actions of his fellow humans so that he may
ultimately learn more about himself and how he can improve
his relationships with others.
What's the difference between an observer and a stalker?
A clipboard and pen.
The Seven Elements Of Charisma
Charisma (n): a personal attractiveness that enables you to influence others
Seduction has always been the most talked about art, and that is because it is more easily grasped. Learning the art of seduction is extrospective (looking outward), while charisma is introspective (looking inward). Once it is developed, it is a powerful tool that you can use to easily influence the people around you. Have you heard the story of the Pied Piper?...
He advanced to the council-table:
And, "Please your honours,'' said he, "I'm able,
"By means of a secret charm, to draw
"All creatures living beneath the sun,
"That creep or swim or fly or run,
"After me so as you never saw!
"And I chiefly use my charm
"On creatures that do people harm,
"The mole and toad and newt and viper;
"And people call me the Pied Piper.''
THE SEVEN ELEMENTS OF CHARISMA
IT'S THE SAME OLD SCENARIO: You and your friends want to hang out and go to a club, but you want a club where the women are attractive and have some class. There might be twenty or so nightclubs to choose from, but with standards like these you really only have four or five. And forget it - as much as your optimistic-adrenaline-testosterone self would like to believe, there is no such place as "Club Orgy." Bar hop all night, and you'll come closer to finding The Lost City of Atlantis before you'll find a club where the women that you've set your standards for are down for the one night action you've got on your mind.
Unless of course you've got some serious game. "Game" translates in all cultures to a similar state of mind: Charisma. But what exactly is Charisma? We'll tell you what it's not - It's not arrogance. And it's not pretentiousness. It's an aura that surrounds you, that attracts people to you. Great leaders in history understood this - Hitler entranced the small country of Germany into following him in a pursuit of World Domination. The greatest con artists used charisma to lull their victims into sometimes giving up fortunes and life savings. And actor's on screen portray it in their carefully written lines and parts, when in all reality they may lack true charisma off the set. Brad Pitt has charisma on the screen - and you can bet that he's not as charismatic off it. And remember Tom Cruise in Top Gun - every guy wanted to be like him for years after that movie came out.
Both of these actors are American icons, their on-screen personas developed over the years by numerous writers, directors, and people paid to teach "presence." You know, the same kind of people that instruct run-way models how to enter a room and command the attention of all just by the way they carry themselves.
Maybe an easy way to make the word charisma understandable is to define it as knowing when to speak, and what to say when you speak, knowing when not to speak, and knowing how to carry yourself throughout . This takes discipline, which is acquired with practice. Actors are expected to rehearse the same parts over and over again to get things just right for the camera. Writers re-write their pieces sometimes repeatedly before their scripts are finally approved to begin a film shoot.
As an example of what we mention above, look hard at the fine detail that Hollywood uses to craft the "on-screen presence" of a main or central character. A main or central character must command attention throughout the film to hold the audience's interest. The more attention they command, through elements of intrigue, mystery, and action, the greater their on-screen presence . Many elements go in to this "on-screen presence" - these are elements of charisma.
But this is real life, not Hollywood. In reality, and as charisma applies to the social scene and to the women involved in the social scene, it's all about diplomacy.
THE FIRST ELEMENT: PRESENCE
The first element of charisma is "presence." Presence, as used here, refers to the quality of commanding respectful attention.
To further define presence, think of it more specifically as how you carry yourself . Picture a Lotus in a parking lot of Fords. The Lotus stands alone - as a European sports car, it's sleek and stylishly detailed compared to the conservative and boring Fords. It's not moving, it's not talking - it's not doing a thing and yet you've taken notice of it because of its detailed features. That is presence.
Presence is important... It is the very first step to making a highly effective first impression. As numerous elements make up charisma, so do numerous elements make up presence.
What do you need to do create presence? The following steps will get you well on your way:
Image is Everything: So Pay Attention to Detail
* Dress in a style that is considered fashionable. Wear clothes that will get you compliments. You care about your image and it shows. While it's good to have an image that says that you care about how you look, you don't have to exactly mimic the trendy crowd around you, which by tradition is all 'into looks'. Be a little creative, looking for those items that will make your wardrobe more original than the average well-dressed guy. But recognize, if a woman is well into the trendy crowd, to seduce her you'd better seem high up in it yourself.
* In general, the attractive women in society prefer a man with a clean, short hair cut. This same group of women (most desired by men) also prefers men to be clean shaven. A clean shave says two things about you... First, it says that you're well-groomed, and second that you prefer a more youthful look, and are aware of the social ramifications of a clean shaven face. Does this mean you have to be clean shaven? No. In regards to first impressions, we're just telling you what women prefer in general.
And when following what women are generally known to prefer, you position yourself in such a way as to have the statistically greatest chances of success at catching their attention with your image.
Some other tips to enhance your presence:
* If you're white, work on maintaining a healthy tan. No sunshine?... Find a nearby tanning salon.
* Pay attention to how you walk, sit, and stand. Your posture should make you appear to be confident and at ease with your surroundings. Even if you're not at ease, pay attention to your posture so that it seems as though you are.
* Flaunt a sincere, friendly smile at strategic intervals (but don't over do it - learn to read when it is called for, and when it's not). * A sincere, friendly smile is a strong weapon. It breaks the ice, tears down people's walls, automatically paints you as a person of high self-esteem and confidence. ( * Refer to The Sixth Element: Diplomacy.)
* What is your mind set? You are in a situation that requires a strong focus on tact and diplomacy. Meaning, knowing when to speak, and what to say when you speak, knowing when not to speak, and knowing how to carry yourself throughout.
* How do your eyes follow the crowd? As if you're disinterested (meaning, you're not paying too much attention to any one person) - and that's because you feel that their is nobody worthy of your attention. In other words, you're never "star-struck" because you are the star. In the end, your goal is to give off the impression that you're a prestigious person accustomed to ranking high in social circles - not even the blonde-bombshell walking by can shake this poise. You may cast a glance, but you're to prestigious to stare. *People around you WILL notice this and subconsciously decide that you ARE a person of prestige. (* Refer to Element II: "Regal Bearing").
In a world where most people lack a high level of self-respect, it is easy to stand out when you have it and it shows. And if you don't have a high level of self-respect (again, like most), then fake it. Take note - the trick to faking it is to fake it with sincerity (this will be repeated further along).
By themselves, these simple details regarding a positive, prestigious self-image don't accomplish much, but when packaged together they merge for great effect. And now you've created "presence."
Introducing 'Universal Presence': Dressing In A "Safety Zone"
When it comes to first impressions, there's a certain zone statistically most women respond to, and for the purpose of this section we'll call it the "safety zone". You can dress how you've always dressed, or you can dress in a way that women are known most often to admire.
Nowadays, the trendy Calvin Klein / Ralph Lauren look seems to be in with the "cool" upscale crowds... and as such, this is what most women admire. (Not all women, just most). Now, if this isn't the type of woman you're after, then disregard the next few paragraphs regarding personal image. The important thing to realize, is that it's about presenting yourself (dressing) in such a way as to impress the women you're targetting. Biker girls like tattooed-up bikers. Thug girls like thug guys. Punk rock girls like punk rock guys. Cowgirls like cowboys.
Analyze the traits most admired by the women you're most after. Then adapt these traits into who you are to give yourself the greatest odds for getting these women.
The great seducers understood what the women they were after most looked for in a man's appearance, and so they portrayed this image for the sole purpose of getting these women. Today, this means that if you're going after a woman who's 'big on country', dressing with a 'hip hop' look probably isn't going to have a good effect.
Now, let's say that you prefer country music, however where you work the women are more into hip hop... The easiest way then to seduce these women, is to first keep your musical preferences to yourself, and second recognize what they admire most in guys that listen to hip hop. Loose fitting jeans. Well-styled hair. Designer clothes... Nike, Polo, Etc. You can then make the choice to greatly enhance your chances with these women by dressing in this fashion.
'Universal Presence' Part II: Understanding That Presence Is A Key Element In First Impressions
For the most part, how you are regarded by others is how people you come into contact with will regard you. But if they don't know you from Adam, if you're a complete stranger to them, then they will subconsciously prejudge you and form an early opinion of you before EVEN MEETING YOU.
It is human instinct to look for patterns in the world around us. It is psychological, it is subconscious. We relate the situations we're presented with based on our passed experiences.
When creating an aura of charisma, you're using this instinct to your advantage (which most people can't control because they're unaware that it is something happening in their subconscious). Here's an analogy: If you look like a thug, you'll be prejudged as probably being a thug. If you look like your gay, you'll be prejudged as probably being gay. And if you look like a charismatic person used to respect and even admiration, you will be prejudged as a person who is probably charismatic and worthy of respect and even admiration.
Once you've been prejudged, it's that much easier to create the effect that you're after. Notice that we used the word "probably" in the above paragraph? We use the word "probably" to represent the other person's expectations. This is what he or she expects. And because they expect it, now it's that much easier to give it to them.
Many elements make up charisma; presence is but one. Most people don't understand the charismatic persona and can only assume that it comes naturally to some people. Maybe for a very rare and select few. For the rest of us, it is an acquired art - something that we practice in our daily encounters with others until it is developed over time. Charisma opens many doors and will get you into many places otherwise far off limits. It is a very influential tool when you want something. Of the three arts we go over, Charisma is the most powerful . We discuss it in-depth first because the other two arts require it to be truly effective (interestingly, charisma, and how it applies to meeting and dating women, is overlooked in even the most popular self-help books on the current market.)
THE SECOND ELEMENT: REGAL BEARING
Bearing (n) : The manner in which one carries or conducts oneself
The most inclusive of the elements, bearing applies to both physical posture and general conduct: "He has the poise and bearing of a champion."
Bearing: Standing Tall
* The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated. If you carry yourself as if you're a person aware of social graces, and if you carry yourself as if you're a person of prestige (you're used to having respect), for the most part you will be regarded in the same fashion. Act like an important person to be treated like one.
THE THIRD ELEMENT: MANNER
Manner (n) : a way of acting or behaving
If your presence and regal bearing have given women the impression that you're an important person and that you're considered an important person by others, manner, as we use it here, refers to how you act and behave in relation. What, then, is the manner of a charismatic persona?
You put thought into your words and actions - you base what you do and say on how the other person will most likely react.
* Before speaking to a person, you ask yourself: How is this person going to interpret my next few words? What kind of effect are they going to have? What effect is it that I'm going for? Will I sound like I know what I'm talking about? Or will I sound like a fool? Will I sound confident? Or will I sound cocky? Will I sound sincere, or will I sound fake? Will I come across as a good conversationalist, someone who listens more than he speaks? Or will I seem as though I talk too much and therefore am not a good conversationalist?
A charismatic persona is thought of as being a good conversationalist, among other things, and for you to continue to give off the aura of charisma that you initially gave off with your presence and regal bearing, then you need to be good at conversation. If you foul up the conversation process, then your whole charismatic presence and regal bearing are thrown out the window. And now that this woman has met you, she's made a new judgement of you. On the other hand, if you are (or at least seem to be) an exceptional conversationalist, the charismatic effect that you are going for will only be heightened.
THE FOURTH ELEMENT: FINESSE
Finesse (n): Refinement and delicacy of performance, execution, or artisanship
By now you've realized that many of these elements are very similar terms and carry similar definitions as each other. The first three elements, bearing, presence, and manner add together to stand for essentially the same thing: the way you carry yourself. They apply to a person's behavior. People judge other people on their behavior, especially since it reveals many distinctive personal qualities regarding their individuality or upbringing. As mentioned before, it is a subconscious habit to relate a new experience (for example, meeting someone new) with past experiences (people you've known or known of).
Suave. Smooth. Finesse. This is how you want to go about your act. You will need to think along these lines when focusing on presence, on bearing, on manner. You shouldn't be able to tell where one ends and the other begins. They should all merge into one, each small bodies coming together to form a smooth liquid unity.
Finesse: The Tricks of the Trade
* Never seem to be in a hurry - hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself, and over time.
* Always seem patient, as if you know that everything will come to you eventually.
* Your actions must seem natural and executed with ease - so when you act, act effortlessly, as if you could do much more. Cloak your focus on the elements (which will more than likely seem intense when you first start practicing the art) by being confident on the outside and relaxed on the inside. Never let them see you sweat.
* Practice being subtle ("subtle," as used here, means 'So slight as to be difficult to detect or analyze; elusive.').
THE FIFTH ELEMENT: ENIGMA
Enigma (n): An action, mode of action, or thing, which cannot be satisfactorily explained
In a world growing increasingly dull and familiar, what seems enigmatic instantly draws attention. Especially when it comes to today's dating / relationship arena. Many women tend to rate guys in the same grouping: little self-control, jerks when they don't get what they want, egotistical, loud, boring, macho, aggressive. . . So anything you can do to distance yourself from this group of "typical guys" stands to get you noticed - because your distance cannot be quickly and easily explained.
The attraction of enigma can be explained as follows: It invites layers of interpretation, excites women's imagination, deceives them into believing that it conceals something exciting.
In the dating / relationship arena, if you've got true charisma women will come to you . They can read by your presence, bearing, and manner if you're the rare kind of guy that is used to having women pursue him, as a person with true charisma is, and in a woman's subconscious mind her dream guy (Mr. Right) is a guy with true charisma . (Most women never meet their dream guy.) So if you put off the aura, suddenly her imagination is going to take over and she's going to wonder. . . Take note - she hasn't even met you and subconsciously she's already comparing you to Mr. Right. In the end, her imagination fuels the attraction.
Imagination. . . This is why enigma is a powerful element of charisma. It was one of Casanova's secrets - women who had heard of his accomplishments wondered what made him so romantically successful. Their imaginations ignited, they had to find out for themselves. Scholars like to say that it was Casanova's skills of seduction that landed him all his women - but seduction really didn't have much to do with it, in this case. He'd never met these women and yet they wanted to get with him. "Popularity" is a common result of charisma. In this case it elevated Casanova to near celebrity status.
There you are - with your presence, bearing, manner, and finesse - women notice you and think, What is it about him that makes him stand out? Why does he look so confident? He looks like a success in life. . . What is it about him?
Enigma: Mystery in the Making
* Never make it too clear what you are doing or about to do. Never reveal your plans or intentions.
* Don't show all your cards. Keep things back by being purposely vague.
* Be subtly unpredictable. Focus on the little things: If you're out on the nightscene, mix up your selection of drinks from time to time; don't frequent the same clubs; change your appearance slightly; grow a goatee for a few days; don't return a phone call immediately - return a phone call immediately. Make plans and be early - the next time be late; etc. . .
* Important people impress by saying less - you should keep your words to a minimum - just enough to keep the conversation rolling... And don't volunteer much information about yourself - instead, get her to volunteer information about herself . But do this in a way that doesn't make you seem too inquisitive or too interested - both signs of someone with little self-control, and therefore someone lacking true charisma. The key here to this conversation is to be casual and non-aggressive . To accomplish the casual, non-aggressive attitude, one trick is to make yourself believe that you're not interested in her unless she goes out of her way to impress you. Make her "sell" herself to you with her words and personality . (When it's all said and done, she should be thinking that you were a "great person to talk to" - and then she'll realize that she doesn't know anything about you. Her imagination is ignited and she'll be back for more.)
An air of enigma heightens your presence; it also creates anticipation - everyone will be watching you to see what you do next. Enigma is an interesting element because it carries over into both arts : It is used in Charisma. And It is used in Seduction. So make yourself familiar with enigma. Start practicing it on a daily basis with anyone you're in contact with. Then stand back and watch the results - you'll notice people paying you a lot more attention when you're around.
Don't imagine that to create an air of enigma you have to be beautiful or powerful. Enigma that is used in your day-to-day manner, and is subtle, has that much more power to ignite the imagination and attract attention. The fact is, most people are up front and pay little notice to their words or image. These people are completely predictable. By simply holding back, keeping certain things to yourself, and being deliberately vague, you will create an air of enigma. The people around you will then magnify that aura by constantly trying to read you. Imagination is a powerful fire - what wraps itself in enigma will almost always ignite it.
THE SIXTH ELEMENT: DIPLOMACY
Diplomacy (n): Tact and skill in dealing with people; subtly skillful handling of a situation involving others
Diplomacy represents a mastery of social skills. In the art of charisma, having it will make you, and not having it will break you. It is the ability to relate with anyone and everyone that you meet on their level. You must change your style and your way of speaking to suit each person and each situation. This isn't lying - this is acting. And acting, especially as it applies to charisma, is learned. You must become a chameleon, your colors constantly changing to adapt to the social atmosphere around you. In politics, a diplomat is someone sent by his government to keep up or improve relations with other governments. Although inwardly he may detest this other government and its people, he never lets it show. Instead, he shows respect and honors their customs and they love him for it. He is careful never to offend, yet he's also aware that to retain their respect he can't seem an ass-kisser.
Diplomacy: The Secret to Highly Effective Social Skills
* Never joke about someone else's appearances or taste, generally two highly sensitive areas.
* Give compliments. Look for one or two qualities about a woman that make her stand out. It can be something in her personality, or simply the way she wears her eyeliner. By expressing compliments, you subconsciously call attention to things to compliment you on (even if she doesn't say them aloud). The ability to express compliments, and be sincere, is a rare talent, and usually she'll really appreciate it.
* Be self-observant. Hold up a mirror to your words and actions. This can sometimes come from other people telling you what they see in you, but that's not the most trustworthy method. You must learn to put yourself in other people's shoes and see yourself as they see you. Are you kissing-ass? Are you acting too-cool? Do you seem too-serious? Are you acting too-comical? Do you seem desperate for attention? By keeping an eye on your words and actions you will avoid a thousand mistakes.
* Practice modesty. While it's good to make your talents known, you can easily come across as bragging if you're not careful. All bragging will do is get you brushed away - no one likes hearing it.
* Master your emotions - Just like an actor, you must learn to cry and laugh on command when it's appropriate. You must be able to disguise your anger and frustration and to fake your satisfaction and agreement. Use the same skills to cover up any nervousness you may experience - If you're ever even slightly nervous, hide it by focusing on appearing confident - look the other person in the eye, speak clearly and audibly (don't mumble or stutter), force a sincere smile.
* Learn to be sensitive to the other person, listening for what they're really saying.
* Learn to make people feel good about themselves (but do it subtly, as if you're unaware that this is what you're doing - remember enigma and make them wonder. . .).
These are the social skills your parents never taught you. In one word, they all represent charm. Think about it - A guy with sincere charm is usually liked by all. He's careful never to insult, never seems overbearing, he's always sensitive to the other person's likes and dislikes, and he never suffers social mishaps because he's constantly aware of what the effects will be of his words and actions.
THE SEVENTH ELEMENT: ALLURE
Allure (n): the power to entice or attract through personal charm
Ah, the last of the elements. It is the essence of charisma. But without the other elements, it would never be reached. When we've mentioned "aura" as a part of charisma, allure is that aura. It is infective. Women and guys alike are drawn in. Suddenly you find yourself surrounded by many friends and girlfriends ("groupies"). And once in your presence (The First Element), it's hard for them to distance themselves - as long as you continue to pay attention to each individual element. For example, diplomacy: When you excel in diplomacy (The Sixth Element), you learn to make others feel better about themselves, becoming a source of pleasure to them. In fact, they grow dependent on your manner (The Third Element) to feel good about themselves. You may call them friends, but psychologically they become your followers. Other people read this - and enigma kicks in and heightens the effect: these other people start to wonder subconsciously: There must be something exceptional ("cool" or "charming") about you that's making people want to be around you. . . What is it? Imaginations start to race.
Suddenly we've revealed the truth to you - charisma and manipulation are very similar. At the beginning of this article we gave you a dictionary definition for the word charisma:
Charisma (n): a personal attractiveness that enables you to influence others
And now we'll do the same for manipulation:
Manipulation (n): exerting shrewd or devious influence especially for one's own advantage If manipulation is a skill that is learned, then so is charisma. Con artists, it can be said, are the epitome of manipulation. When you think of a manipulator, you probably think of some slick-talking salesman or womanizer. You can see his act from a mile away. But a true con artist, you can't see his act - he's so disguised in an aura of charisma, that even after you've been bilked of millions you have a hard time believing that this person, this business associate, this friend could have been responsible.
Manipulation could be considered the negatives of the power of charisma, and when you manipulate people, sooner or later there are always consequences. In the end, it is much better to focus on the positives of charisma.
Benjamin Franklin once said:
"If rascals knew the value of virtue, they would become virtuous out of sheer rascality."
So how do you have virtue, and not fade into the background of "too nice"?... Maintain a powerful confidence, that is how. Your inner strength will shine through, and the people around you will seek comfort in your presence. You can be the mountain rising high from the jungles of mediocrity... people who are lost to low levels of self-esteem, which in the end fuels all the negatives of society - fears, perversions, jealousy, envy, anger, etc.
Charisma is enticing - you arise "hope" and "desire" in people. They see something about you, yet they have no idea what it is. What it is is an appeal to their ideals and yearnings: Delving into the subconscious, once again, most people have an inner desire to be appreciated, to be respected, to be liked by all. But most never have this desire quite fulfilled. In the end, they feel that you represent these things and that is the allure.
How long will it last? Practice enigma and they'll never know otherwise. If a person becomes familiar with you, sees you doing day to day things just like everyone else, then you will lose the aura of charisma because you've lost the element of enigma, and with it the element of allure.
Charisma is a strategy; the only way to keep it about yourself is to keep a distance from others, never letting them in your presence long enough to realize that you're just a well-dressed guy that knows how to use poise and confidence to interact with people - a predictable act. Keep the enigma about you and you retain the allure.
And these are the seven elements of charisma.
WHAT'S NEXT?
Charisma doesn't happen overnight. It has to be developed. Your goal then is to focus on each individual element, like "Presence" and "Diplomacy", PRACTICING these elements until you have all seven down. Then PRACTICE using all seven elements in ALL your social interactions. With practice, you WILL GET THEM DOWN TO A SCIENCE. Practice on your co-workers, on your friends, on the store clerk, on the bus driver.... on EVERYONE you come in contact with.
Eventually charisma will come naturally. Then, when you're in contact with women, all your actions will make you seem to be a man of SUPERIOR CONFIDENCE because you'll know exactly what you're doing, and WHAT THE EFFECT WILL BE ON THE WOMEN AROUND YOU. You know how women respond to charisma. Of course not all women will respond positively... Remember, some may already be in long term relationships, or even be suddenly nervous because of your strong presence of charisma. Some people do not know how to react to it. Insecure people often suffer from jealousy, envy, sometimes hate. Recognize who these people are, and disarm them with diplomacy... BEFORE things get out of hand.
Confidence comes in knowing what women respond to. It is up to you then to perfect your skills in charisma with the people around you, before using them on women. Then practice on average-looking women, until you've got them charmed. Once you've got this test-group under your wing, start practicing your skills on the WOMEN YOU TRULY WANT.
Is six months of trial and error worth 60 years of success
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Female Body Language
Understanding a woman's emotions is always tough for men. With body language knowledge, however, things can become a bit easier. Men often take a lively interest in female body language. It is one of the most perplexing things for them. The suggestions given here will help them read her body language effectively and unfold all her mysteries.
Tips and Ideas for Female Body Language
• If a woman tries to grab your attention, then it clearly indicates that she is interested in you.
• If a woman sits pointing her foot or leg in your direction, then she has soft feelings for you.
• When a female keeps tossing her hair, it indicates that she is interested in you.
• If a woman fondles her jewelry while conversing with you, she is perhaps in love with you.
• When both of you are talking or drinking and she is looking at you constantly, it signifies love. A long eye contact is a great clue of love.
• When you stare at her and she smiles, according to female body language, it is love.
• If a woman asks everything about you, then she is certainly interested in you.
• If she starts a conversation with you, then according to female body language she might be interested in you.
• When a woman smiles at you, it shows friendliness and openness. Do not get carried away with her friendly gesture and think it to be love.
How Fortune-Tellers Know So Much
If you've ever visited a fortune teller you probably came away
amazed at the things they knew about you — things no one else
could possibly have known — so it must be ESP, right? Research
into the fortune-telling business shows that operators use a
technique known as 'cold reading' which can produce an accuracy
of around 80% when 'reading' a person you've never met.
While it can appear to be magical to naïve and vulnerable
people, it is simply a process based on the careful observation
of body language signals plus an understanding of human
nature and a knowledge of probability statistics. It's a technique
practised by psychics, tarot card readers, astrologists
and palm readers to gather information about a 'client'. Many
'cold readers' are largely unaware of their abilities to read nonverbal
signals and so also become convinced that they really
must have 'psychic' abilities. This all adds to a convincing performance,
bolstered by the fact that people who regularly visit
'psychics' go with positive expectations of the outcome.
Throw in a set of tarot cards, a crystal ball or two and a bit of
theatre, and the stage is perfectly set for a body-languagereading
session that can convince even the most hardened
sceptic that strange, magical forces must be at work. It all boils
down to the reader's ability to decode a person's reactions to
statements made and to questions asked, and by information
gathered from simple observation about a person's appearance.
Most 'psychics' are female because, as women, as
discussed previously, they have the extra brain wiring to allow
them to read the body signals of babies and to read others'
emotional condition.
The fortune-teller gazed into her crystal ball and then
started laughing uncontrollably. So John punched her on the
nose. It was the first time he'd ever struck a happy medium.
To demonstrate the point, here now is a psychic reading for
you personally. Imagine you've come to a dimly lit, smokefilled
room where a jewel-encrusted psychic wearing a turban
is seated at a low, moon-shaped table with a crystal ball:
I'm glad you've come to this session and I can see you have
things that are troubling you because I am receiving strong
signals from you. I sense that the things you really want out
of life sometimes seem unrealistic and you often wonder
whether you can achieve them. I also sense that at times you
are friendly, social and outgoing to others, but that at other
times you are withdrawn, reserved and cautious. You take
pride in being an independent thinker but also know not to
accept what you see and hear from others, without proof. You
like change and variety but become restless if controlled by
restrictions and routine. You want to share your innermost
feelings with those closest to you but have found it unwise to
be too open and revealing. A man in your life with the initial
'S' is exerting a strong influence over you right now and a
woman who is born in November will contact you in the next
month with an exciting offer. While you appear disciplined
and controlled on the outside, you tend to be concerned and
worried on the inside and at times you wonder whether or not
you have made the right choice or decision.
So how did we go? Did we read you accurately? Studies show
that the information in this 'reading' is more than 80% accurate
for any person reading it. Throw in an excellent ability to
read body language postures, facial expressions and a person's
other twitches and movements, plus dim lighting, weird music
and a stick of incense, and we guarantee you can even amaze
the dog! We won't encourage you to become a fortune-teller
but you'll soon be able to read others as accurately as they do.
How Body Language Reveals Emotions and thoughts
Body language is an outward reflection of a person's emotional
condition. Each gesture or movement can be a valuable
key to an emotion a person may be feeling at the time. For
example, a man who is self-conscious about gaining weight
may tug at the fold of skin under his chin; the woman who is
aware of extra pounds on her thighs may smooth her dress
down; the person who is feeling fearful or defensive might fold
their arms or cross their legs or both; and a man talking with
a large-breasted woman may consciously avoid staring at her
breasts while, at the same time, unconsciously use groping gestures
with his hands.
The key to reading body language is being able to understand
a person's emotional condition while listening to what they are
saying and noting the circumstances under which they are
saying it. This allows you to separate fact from fiction and
reality from fantasy. In recent times, we humans have had an
obsession with the spoken word and our ability to be conversationalists.
Most people, however, are remarkably unaware of
body language signals and their impact, despite the fact that
we now know that most of the messages in any face-to-face
conversation are revealed through body signals. For example,
France's President Chirac, USA's President Ronald Reagan and
Australia's Prime Minister Bob Hawke all used their hands to
reveal the relative sizes of issues in their mind. Bob Hawke
once defended pay increases for politicians by comparing their
salaries to corporate executive salaries. He claimed that executive
salaries had risen by a huge amount and that proposed
politicians' increases were relatively smaller. Each time he
mentioned politicians' incomes, he held his hands a yard (1m)
apart. When he mentioned executive salaries, however, he held
them only a foot (30cm) apart. His hand distances revealed
that he felt politicians were getting a much better deal than he
was prepared to admit.
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