Tip #1 -- Get the complete attitude, not just a bunch of separate “strategies.”
If there’s one message I can get across to you, it’s that you need to avoid using only clever “tricks” for picking up women. These tips you’re about to read all work, but they require a certain attitude to back them up, or a woman will see straight through you.
The word you need to learn is “congruence.” This means that your actions match your inner beliefs.
I’m sure you’ve met someone that didn’t seem to actually be on the inside what they were presenting on the outside.
Keep in mind that women have a very heightened sense of radar for this sort of thing, and they can see things about your behavior that you had no idea you were communicating.
So while you’re reading these strategies and tips, remember that there is an underlying attitude to be developed as well. Don’t just emulate a bunch of tricks and tips and hope to come off with this congruence.
It doesn’t work that way. You need to effectively present the complete attitude so that you can understand from the bottom up what a woman looks for in a man
Tip #2 -- Be careful of looking like a player or “over-qualifying” her.
A lot of women are intimidated by men that come across as almost too secure or too cocky. They seem like “players.” This is because a guy that is too confident with women can forget to establish the right feelings before establishing his confidence.
What you have to do is establish RAPPORT and TRUST while you're giving her the James Bond smile. Be smooth, but seem like a real flesh and blood man.
You have to come across as human.
Remember that part of the equation is feeling self-confident, but that doesn't mean she has to trust you or feel comfortable around you.
So shoot for the confidence as you work on building rapport with her.
Always remember that what you think you're communicating with your confidence may not be received and interpreted the way you want. Confidence is a combination of many small behaviors that add up to the overall total self-confidence of a man.
If you're not achieving congruency (your actions = your beliefs) then you'll trigger alarms in her head and she'll lose her feelings of trust.
I believe that most guys want just one good woman, and that's the primary reason we get obsessed when we find a woman we really like. We realize how rare a good woman is, and we want to lock her in as soon as possible.
You want to avoid over-doing it. Acting aloof or distant is the wrong angle to play early in the game. You want to appear unflappable by her behavior, but not too distant from her.
Again, you must be human. She has to feel that you've got a heart. (And hopefully you do have one!)
Remember: Act with a laid-back confidence that she can trust.
Tip #3 -- How to Manage Pain
I saw a demonstration a while back of some Marines doing chin-ups to boost enlistment. I noticed the t-shirt one of the bigger guys had on, and the message was brutally honest and clear:
"Pain is the sensation of weakness leaving your body."
That got me thinking about the nature of pain, and how it functions in dating and seduction.
The most important thing for a man to do as he learns how to handle women is to keep his head on straight. Keep your attitude healthy, because that will be the ultimate weapon in this war of the sexes.
You must keep yourself on the positive upward spiral. The way you handle your pain in the singles world is critical to your overall success.
How do you view pain?
Do you avoid pain at all costs? Do you find yourself seeking only pleasure and staying away from circumstances that could potentially cause you pain?
I address the pain/pleasure motivational spectrum in my e-books, THE DATING BLACK BOOK and THE SEDUCTION METHOD, and I want to help you through a little of your own anguish here right now. How you handle pain will ultimately determine the level of your success.
You see, you have to be willing – and even a little eager, as sick as that sounds – to go through a little discomfort to get to your goals with women. Men don't have the built-in sexual instincts that women are brought up with.
Women study this stuff every week, from reading “Teen” magazine to “Cosmopolitan,” and they know how the game works and how to play to win. They've always had the upper hand.
Guys just start out at a natural disadvantage in dating and sex. As young men we focus on being strong providers and enjoying ourselves, playing football and 'reading' Penthouse from time to time.
Our sexual education is mostly comprised of a few bad porno movies, or our embarrassed father trying to explain the birds and the bees. (My dad's attempt was really bad. I walked away more confused than before he started talking.)
Women got busy learning the truth as soon as they discovered that Ken dolls were not anatomically correct. They learned how to collaborate and talk with other women about the drama of their relationships for enjoyment.
To get better at the game of dating and seduction, think of it being something like when Michael Jordan decided he wanted to switch from basketball to baseball.
Remember way back when Michael tried playing ball in the major leagues, but he had to go back to the minors to prove himself?
You need to understand that YOU have to go back to the minor league, too. You need to get a few bumps and bruises, and then you can deal with her in the major leagues.
(Unlike Michael, you CAN and WILL make it to the major leagues in this sport if you keep learning and improving.)
So how do you manage the pain? First of all, realize that the only pain you feel when you're out there in the "dating" world is all self-induced. You are the one making yourself feel bad or inadequate 95% of the time.
Understand that most women never do the things you are afraid of just for walking up and talking to her, like slapping you or throwing a drink in your face. As long as you're not a complete idiot and don't come on too strong, women will give you a chance about 90+% of the time. All of the rejection you’re so worried about is imagined, and absolutely none of it reflects on you as a person.
So how do you contend with the constant disappointment and mixed messages?
Pain Management is your answer.
Set a threshold of emotional investment with women so that you limit your potential pain from them. If you find it difficult to flirt and hit on the ladies because it's too painful, back off a bit.
Just say "Hi!" as you pass them on the street. Reduce your energy output so that you don't feel intimidated by her response. When you get sufficiently recharged, then you can start to risk more contact with her again, and you'll feel more up to the challenge.
Another form of pain management is to ensure that you interpret women's reactions correctly. It's easy and tempting to read too much into her behavior, and even more difficult to not take her reactions too seriously.
Remember that while you're trying to get into her bed, you should never try to get into her head. You need to keep your observation of her behavior based only on the results you get. Watch only what she does, not what she says. Her actions will tell you what she is feeling, even when her words seem confusing and contradictory.
If you get caught up in the game of trying to figure out why she didn't call, or why she always flirts with other guys when you're around, you'll create a lot of pain for yourself. Stay as detached from her as possible at the early stages so you can avoid getting misled and confused.
The primary rule for pain management is the same as it is on Wall Street:
Only invest as much as you can afford to lose.
Too many guys get into trouble by putting too much of an emotional investment out there, and then when they don't get the response they feel entitled to, they turn bitter and angry. Don't make this mistake.
Manage your pain, and you'll be able to stay in the game longer, and your endurance and tolerance will rise dramatically - as will your results. You'll feel your insecurities around women fade away with each step you take.
And remember: Pain is nothing more than the sensation of weakness leaving your body.
Manage your pain and you’ll be able to improve by leaps and bounds.
Tip #4 -- Beware the Friend Zone
Once you’ve entered the “friend zone” you have almost no hope. The only way you can overcome this is by having a crystal ball to go along with your brass balls.
Allow me to explain:
A woman may entertain the notion of turning a friend into a lover, but it occurs only once in a hundred times of her hanging out with him. It’s a mood, fleeting and temporary.
If you don’t know when that mood is, you’ll bomb big time.
And even if you get the timing right, chances are she’ll come to her senses and think, “Oh, no! I don’t want to ruin our friendship…”
A man often wants to make a girl “friend” into a lover, but doesn’t realize that women don’t want to risk the loss of the friendship. This situation is mostly a symptom of “scarcity” thinking on the part of the guy.
A man should be so busy meeting new women that his friends and women he’s already dated can be comfortably forgotten. A man only gets focused on “converting” a friend because he believes his options are limited.
Let’s just play the odds here: If you were in Vegas and you were given either 50/50 odds to win, or only a 4 out of 100 chance to win, which would you take?
Duh, you’d have to be an idiot to take 4% over the 50% odds.
Yet this is what men do all the time when they try for a woman that has already placed them in the “friends” category.
You end up spending ten times more effort (with very little hope of return) on this gal, when there are millions of other women are waiting out there that you could start out with the right way from the start.
Again, this goes back to a man’s thinking. If he believes there are no other women out there, or he thinks he lacks the skill to go meet them, he’ll fall back on the women he already knows.
Partly because he’s built her up in his head so much that he’s pushed himself into love with her, and partly because he’s brainwashed himself into believing that this woman is so fantastic.
Women do not like to ruin friendships. Period. And that’s most of the reason they would avoid going into the “romantic zone” with men they’re already friends with.
And the reason a woman only considers a man a friend is that he’s already failed to push her attraction mechanism buttons to get her interested. Her nervous system has already tuned you out.
Now, it can be done, but it requires a real cocky attitude that isn’t afraid to tease her and amp up the sexual tension between them. And the guy has to be willing to lose her as a friend to do it. In fact, he has to be willing to give her up first, and say, “You know, Tina, I think we’d be really good together. So I’m afraid I can’t be just friends with you anymore. Maybe we’ll find that spark between us if we don’t have that getting in our way.”
But, again, this takes an almost complete turnaround in attitude on the part of the man, so that she can see his Alpha characteristics.
Instead of wasting all that time and energy on a low probability of return, why not place your odds on a winning game? Use my strategies and tips to get her attracted right from the start, and you’ll have no problems that will put you in the “Let’s just be friends” category.
Remember, guys, the “friends first” myth will sink you. She has to feel powerful sexual attraction first.
Tip #5 -- The most effective strategy for getting women
There are two parts to this strategy:
The first part is using humor and teasing.
The ability to make a woman laugh is probably your number one asset. I've gotten girlfriends – and laid – more just by using this one simple trait alone, and it's amazing just how far you can go with it.
We all want to laugh, and stable, sane women love to laugh.
If you don't have a well-developed funny bone, now is the time to work on it. Consider this: Not very many people are funny. I've gone to stand-up routines where I sat there feeling horribly embarrassed for the comedian and his feeble attempt at jokes.
I realized that true comedy, on the level of the old Eddie Murphy or Robin Williams, is pretty rare.
So don't feel bad at all if you're not a one-man laugh machine. You don't have to be a great comedian to get women to laugh. The interesting thing is that most women will laugh with you out of sheer nervousness; all they need is a gentle poke in the ribs.
Humor conveys many different things. It shows a certain level of relaxed self-confidence all its own. You can't demonstrate a sense of humor without displaying a little confidence at the same time.
Humor also shows you don't take life too seriously, and that you're not so intense that you can't crack a joke about the silly parts of life around you. It lets a woman know she can breathe a little and not be so intense and serious.
The best kind of humor to use is teasing. You have to be judicious about its use, but a good tease gets a woman's attraction started, and it also demonstrates a great deal of challenge to her. Teasing can be done as lighthearted fun, or used as what some refer to as a "negative hit."
Teasing lets a woman know you aren’t intimidated by her, and you have your own source of confidence. This is immensely powerful in attracting a woman.
The second part of this strategy is what I call the sexual tug-of-war, or “The Dance.”
There is a pattern here that you need to recognize so you'll understand why setbacks occur and why they should not trouble you in the slightest. Inspiring a woman's attraction is a dance.
You, as the man, are required to initiate. It's a fact, and it’s another one of my Truth principles.
Remember those old dance diagrams that show you the outlines of shoes on the floor and numbers to tell you where to step?
Well, here's your dance pattern: The dance of interaction you want to achieve with a woman is always two steps forward and one step back. And the rhythm is slow and unhurried. For every two advances and initiations you take with her, you must be willing to stop and step back, giving her space to breathe.
It's amazing what a little space to think will do for a woman's attitude when it comes to appreciation and her recognizing what you have to offer. Most men are afraid to put this to work for them, afraid that if they back off or let up on the intensity of their romantic assault on the women, she will lose interest and forget about him.
The opposite is actually true. By backing off and giving her space at a strategic point where you sense that she might be feeling a bit closed-in and maybe even smothered by your advances, you will give her the room she needs to breathe, think, and start to miss you.
Once you've established an initial attraction, and if you have been able to keep a good level of trust without losing your mystery and challenge with her, a woman will want to find out more about you.
Very often, she just needs you to step back and let her know that you're not going to run her over. This will give her added comfort and trust in you, as well as demonstrating that you have self-discipline and self-confidence.
Only needy and insecure men overwhelm women with a constant barrage of affection. You show your interest with hints, not beating her over the head.
If you've been dating a woman for a while and find that you have reached a stalemate, where she appears to be resisting all further advances, your best bet is always a strategic withdrawal. Take a step back and apply your self-discipline. Give her an opportunity to miss you before you head back in and go after her again.
Tip #6 -- How to get a woman into a more intimate mindset
Kinesthetics is the next step after you’ve managed to get a woman interested in you initially. This is where you start to awaken her sexual attraction through strategic touching.
One of the first things you must realize is that men, on the whole, start touching women far too early in their interactions. Men are tactile beings, just as women are. That is, we're gropers. We long for the soft touch of a woman's flesh, and the neat little parts of her that seem to beg for our hands to go exploring.
What we men lack is self-control. It's difficult for many of us to hold back, especially because men’s initial attraction begins with visual curiosity -- we see a pretty gal, and then it becomes a craving to touch her. From that point on, we are fighting our own natural desires.
Most men mistakenly believe that by forcing our touch on the woman, we can stoke her flames of desire by showing our interest. Well, we can and we can't, as we shall see.
In general, on the first few meetings with a woman, whether it's over coffee or a three-course meal, show some restraint. A lot of restraint.
Let's put it this way, it's better to hold back too much than to make the mistake of demonstrating physical attention too soon or inappropriately.
For the end of a first meeting, I usually go for a quick hug, which lets her know that I'm not needy, and that I'm confident enough to demonstrate a little touch. Balance your distance with a measured amount of flirtatious behavior, just enough so she doesn't think you're a cold fish. The objective is to give her just a little less physical attention than she desires initially.
On the first meeting, you should make one or two small kino (short for Kinesthetic) maneuvers. The best one is a simple – and brief – touch to her arm or shoulder.
EXAMPLE: If you're in a Starbucks and you need some more sugar for your coffee, get up, start to walk around her, and then place your hand on her back gently as you ask her if there's anything you can get her. Remove your hand after a second. Don't linger too long, or you'll defuse the power and possibly risk her discomfort. Or, if you both have to cross a street, offer her your arm. She will be impressed.
What you want to do is build up her anticipation. Every woman wants to know what the man’s touch feels like, the sensation of his skin against hers. There's a great deal of power in the novelty of this – the newness. She hasn't touched you before, and part of your job is to keep her wondering about it long enough that she will respond positively when you do. You tease this part of her mind when you give her an unexpected hint of what is to come.
Don't touch her too early, and make sure the touch is no longer than a second, so that she knows you're not going to start pawing her.
Build her desire through anticipation.
Tip #7 -- Don’t wait for a woman to initiate
Women will initiate sex when they feel they have the freedom from social judgment that they normally live under. This means that her internal “slut complex” must be silenced.
A woman doesn’t want to feel promiscuous in any way. So a man must give her opportunities to act on her sexual desires (which are often stronger than a man’s, by the way.) To do this, a man has to offer her an escape. Usually this is by removing her from the environment in which she normally lives, by getting her away from her friends and her family, isolating her in a “fantasy world.” Here, she can feel safe about acting on her own sexual desires.
The key is to drive up her physical attraction to mind-blowing levels, and then give her the opportunity to act on them.
Some women will simply never be the first to act, until she’s been made comfortable enough with a man to express her own desires. And many women repress their sexuality. (Though thankfully this is much less so than ever before.)
So you cannot wait for her to make the advance on you.
It never pays to wait for the woman to initiate. A man (an ALPHA Man) must always be ready and willing to act. A woman will only initiate when her own level of desire for something overcomes her internal mental limits, and when she feels that she has been liberated of judgment by others.
A lot of guys wish women would initiate sex, but that’s not likely to happen until a woman has established a relationship where she can feel trust, or pulled her so far out of her environment that she can feel liberated of her inhibitions.
In the beginning, you have to be willing to risk making the moves.
Tip #8 -- Two BIG mistakes a guy can make with women
Mistake 1 - Talking too much: (especially about yourself): This includes bragging. You want to focus at least 70% of the conversation on her. Her experience is that the man who listens to her will understand her, and she believes that the man who understands her will be a good lover. The reverse is doubly true – if you yammer on and on, she'll nod and smile, but she'll be thinking about what a bore you are, and how unlikely it is you'll give her good loving if you’re so caught up in yourself. Take a lesson from the great talk show hosts. Watch them as they ask questions and get everyone laughing during the interviews, and they don’t need to always be talking themselves. They draw out the guest to feel good and talk freely.
Mistake 2 - Not relaxing: Don't be hyper and visibly nervous. If you aren't relaxed, you'll convey nothing but desperation, and she'll be repelled. Women are not attracted to manic, hyper men.
Take some time before the date to relax and let go of your anxiety and expectations. I find that I'm most relaxed meeting women after I've exercised really hard. I'm at ease, the endorphins are in my bloodstream, and my overall confidence is higher. Try that for a relaxation therapy. Overall, the more women you meet and date, the more you'll be able to relax around them.
Tip #9 -- Should you ever try to win back an ex-girlfriend?
This depends on the terms and situation of the breakup. If she initiated the breakup, the man needs to back off completely. Chances are that he made the mistake of being too insecure or clingy with her, and failed to demonstrate true Alpha Man traits when he had the chance.
Once a woman’s attraction has been lowered to the point where she breaks up with him, it’s rare that she’s going to return. (Usually, this only happens when she hits a bad spell of insecurity and nostalgia.)
Again, as we spoke about with the “friends” situation, a man could get 5 new women for every ex-girlfriend he tries to regain.
This is a symptom of “one-itis,” where a man believes that this woman is “the one” for him. He’s blinded by insecurity and scarcity thinking. He has to root out the behaviors that created this situation first, and get his manhood back in place first.
Pursuing an ex without repairing the fault is like pulling off the road when your car overheats, and then trying to start it up and drive it right away. You have to find out why things went wrong and fix them or you’ll blow it all over again – perhaps for good.
The only situation where it may make sense to get with an ex is when the man broke it off with her, and he decides it’s worth trying again. Not because he couldn’t find anyone else, but because he now understands that she was actually a better fit than he originally imagined.
Tip #10 -- How to Handle Eye Contact
The best place for most men to start working on their confidence and attracting women is by making simple and consistent eye contact.
This doesn't even mean you have to do it with women initially. Try keeping strong eye contact with your dog, as silly as that sounds. Then work on up to keeping eye contact with the salespeople you encounter.
Then work up to the receptionist at the front desk of the place where you work.
Then with your peers and associates.
Next, try locking eyes with women you pass on the street. Then, work your way up to increasing the amount of time you hold that contact.
Before you know it, you’ll feel a new sense of authority and confidence.
Why is eye contact so important?
First, strong eye contact (not freaky-psycho staring) is an indication of dominant, confident behavior.
Second, you'll notice that so few people can maintain any kind of eye contact back.
Third, inconsistent eye contact is an indicator of insecurity and possibly untrustworthy character.
Fourth, your eyes can communicate an incredible amount of information. Eye contact is a short-cut to female responsiveness. When you lock eyes with a woman, you're saying, "I'm interested, and I’m confident enough to show it.”
You'll find that the more you do this, the easier it gets. And it will radically improve your game with women.
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